Opinion: An open letter to Martin Selmayr – some friendly advice from a Brit

Dear Martin,     

I applaud the sterling effort you’ve made to get the ‘top’ job for your man Jean-Claude Juncker, but I see that the Brits aren’t quite on side yet. I have some helpful advice.

Today (4 June) the Queen of England (you know, THE Queen) will be taken in a gilded carriage from Buckingham Palace to the House of Lords. Black Rod, an officer of the English Order of the Garter will summon the House of Commons (the place where the common ones we elect in general elections debate) and lead them to the House of Lords (the place where the ones we don’t elect debate). When Black Rod approaches the doors to the House of Commons (the debating chamber you see every Wednesday in the Punch and Judy show that is Prime Minister’s Question Time) the doors will be slammed in his face to symbolize that these commoners are really the ones who are running the show and that they are independent of the Queen – sovereign of their sovereign, if you like – I know it’s confusing, but hang in there. Black Rod will tap with said rod a further three times and the commoners will then open the door and dutifully shuffle over to the House of Lords to listen to the Queen read the ‘Queen’s Speech’. Which isn’t really her speech, it is something cooked up by the government in power and read by the Queen. Your friend @BrunoBrussels would no doubt describe this as a lot of elitist claptrap, but dressing up with gongs and ceremonial chains plays a central role in British culture.

I think that David Cameron, Gideon Rachman and the readers of The Daily Telegraph need to be put straight on a few things – by placing the current discussions in a more familiar British context you might be able to win their support. You see the Queen is a sort of Spitzenkanditatin by divine right; that means that she has derived this right from God himself. Now it may seem surprising to those outside this particular kingdom that a largely atheistic people, who complain of Europe’s democratic deficit, would be happy with this arrangement, but give it a go – tell them that Juncker wasn’t the choice of the European Parliament, he has in fact been selected by God Himself.

You also need to address the ‘Juncker’ problem. You will be aware of the recent success of UKIP in the European Elections and may have detected a certain hostility towards Johnny Foreigner from this scepter’d isle, and you would not be wrong. But do not fret, our own German royal family faced the very same problem during the Great War and cannily resolved the problem by changing their name from Saxe-Coburg to Windsor, what about Johnson for Juncker? I’m afraid the Jean Claude is going to have to go too, sorry, but it just sounds too French and if there is a nationality the Brits hate more than the Germans, it’s the French. I would suggest something like Jonathan (John, just not posh enough).

Cameron seems to have gotten himself into a complete tizzy over the whole business, the first thing you should say when you next see him is ‘Calm down, dear!’ – he will find this humorous, I’m sure. Yes, the Treaty does defend the Commission’s right of initiative, but like the Queen’s speech nothing will be ‘initiated’ unless it is supported by government and in Europe that’s the nod of the Council, this is a power in the same way that the Queen’s speech is a power, ie it is heavily circumscribed by the ability to exercise it. Is he a little more federalist than you would like? Almost certainly, but so were his predecessors and, as with his predecessors, this will not make a blind bit of difference if countries are opposed to more federalism. So let him know that he has nothing to fear, other than other countries in his cohort.

And Martin, you may read this and wonder why you bothered campaigning so hard for this rather impotent role, but there are some perks – JC will get some of the paraphernalia of power, his own office, people working for him, lots of foreign trips, invitations to meetings with rich people in places like Davos and Blingderberg – don’t worry, there won’t be too many encounters with the great unwashed – and he will be steered well clear of Europe’s southern periphery. It’s not the greatest job in Europe, but it is a job, and those are few and far between at the moment.

Best of luck,

Felicity Smythe Smythe

@MartinSelmayr

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